Just Hold On

A story about deliverance.

Mental health is not something we should take delicately. About three and a half years ago, something within my mind shifted. Daily I was having these unwanted, intrusive thoughts. These thoughts were so unbelievably heavy and overbearing that I wanted to be invisible. One day my husband entered our bedroom to find me hiding under our bed.
“What are you doing under the bed?” he asked.
“Hiding!” I replied. “Hiding!“

You see, what he or no one else knew was what I was going through. I did not want to share with anyone the thoughts I was having in fear of being admitted to a hospital. I’m a mom and I work a full-time job. I didn’t have time for the psych ward.
I continued to suffer in silence for three long years. Every day I begged God to deliver me. Some days were better than others but every day I suffered. I eventually reached out to a therapist and was diagnosed with PTSD. However, I was never fully honest with my therapist. (Which I do not recommend.) I kept those thoughts between me and God.
I was sexually abused, and the enemy used that horrific time of my life to riddle me with fear, anxiety, and overwhelming panic. “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour” (1 Peter 5:8). I was being devoured, or at least it felt that way. Despite that, can I let you in on a little secret GOD ALWAYS WINS!

Just Hold On

Every night I went to bed believing that when I woke up the next day I would be back to “normal.” One night, in prayer, I cried out to God. I said “Lord, how long are you going to leave me like this, how long do I have to live like this? God, how many times do I have to ask You and You do nothing!?” I quietly, in my mind, heard the word “Habakkuk”. I thought what on earth is that, is that in the Bible? Yes, it is! I opened my Bible to Habakkuk and was blown away by the first couple of sentences which read; “How long, Lord, must I call for help but you do not listen? Or cry out “violence”! but you do not save?” (Hab. 1:2)
The Lord was showing me that He did hear me and that He has a plan for my life. If I had a choice, I would have preferred to be delivered on the first day… Not three years later except then I wouldn’t be here sharing this story with you. Looking at it now I am so thankful for what I went through. My relationship with God has been strengthened. My trust in Him is wholehearted, I have a yearning to share the Gospel and the good news of Jesus Christ. And my joy has been made new! “Not only that but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” (Romans 5:1-5)
My deliverance did come, but “normal” never did. And praise God because I am not the same person. I have been made new!